Poetic disaster

"Nobody ever cared for me as you do. Nobody ever wanted me as much as you do. I have never felt the way I do when I am next to you. Good things come our way but we are sceptic and we don't believe that these are real. I try not to break at the thought you'll leave me. Lying and deceiving is not who I want to be. Trusting you is hard because it means I have to forget and forgive all the bad things that happened to me. I hate to say I'm sorry because I hate the feeling of guilt. I hate lies and I hate this part of me that doesn't trust you. I hate this part that tries so hard not to care. I hate the fact I've hurt you. I hate the fact I might lose you.

Maybe I should get drunk. Maybe I should get high. Run and hide. Maybe I should get my head out of this cloud and focus on my studies. Fuck! I'd rather die right here than be without you and I know it's a bit melodramatic and quite sad but I've never loved this way. 

It's funny how love hurts. It's amazing how pride disappears. It's unraveling how all this put in balance fits. "

Untitled

,, Madly in love’’ is a catch-phrase in my life these days. The soul feels good. Body aches for that touch and my heart races at the mention of that one particular name. My mind… Oh, my mind is the leader of this incredible (some would say foolish) adventure called ‘’Free falling’’. J

For years, I was uninterested in feelings, both mine and of others. Going through life mechanically, refusing to connect was my way of saying ‘’Fuck you!’’ to the world. Considering all men are shit while humming Christina’s 90’s hit ‘’CAN’T HOLD US DOWN!’’ I entered into the sexist battlefield long before I was ready to face the music. Even so, I didn't care. Well, that non-caring grew into me so deep that I was able, with just one auto-suggestion, to erase the very existence of any feelings what so ever. Sometimes through jokes and laughter, other times through psychological analyzing and criticism somehow I always succeeded in moving on after I crushed another of hearts. Playing games was easy because it didn't involve any emotional implication. And boy was I the shit. Wrong! A scared little girl behind a mask of a self-satisfied, egocentric, vain and manipulative ‘’Oh, please call me Bitch’’ was all I was. And I didn't want to be that anymore.

At the age of 23, not even a year ago, my heart was broken by a guy who, I thought, didn't deserve me. However, I believed what they say about karma so after each cry I smiled, knowing I do have a heart, not giving a rats ass about all the hurt I felt. The paradox mother Theresa wrote about, the one where she says if you love it hurts and the more you love the more it hurts until it hurts no more and all you feel is love. I guess that’s what happened to me. M., you remember her? She helped me realize only cowards run from love. I love you M., you made me change my ways and attract the most beautiful thing into my life.

Today I'm here. I never saw it coming and I don’t speak of it, except in writing. It’s different from anything I've ever felt. I feel with every inch of my body this emotion. Each and every time our eyes meet there is this understanding, like an agreement between two souls that found in each other everything they were searching for. He truly completes me. It’s intense and it makes me a slave and a Queen at the same time. And all it took was for me to be just that - me, 100% me. 

With love,

Cuca

P.S. Don’t mention this one; I am not ready to speak of it yet. J