,, I can’t fit inside that box that you put
me in. I've outgrown it, don’t feel good against my skin and I think I´m in
love with the lyrics all over again, they fit like a fresh fit. Take what it is
you may need from me but let me keep my right to do it my way and live it how I
like… can I reserve my eyes to see it how I might?
They think they know better about what’s
good for me! Please! Sweep your own voice before you can preach into me. Nobody
really knows it all and those in front of all should sit down and learn from y’all. ''
Bukowski said that you can begin saving the
world by saving one man at a time and that everything else is grandiose
romanticism or politics. But what happens when you are the one who needs
saving? Of course, you won’t admit it to others. However, you have to admit it
to yourself. Only then can you actually save yourself.
Ever since I was little I noticed I was
different from other kids. Living in a 37 square meters with three very
different women, all of those related closely to me; taught by my mother about
life, honesty, respect, integrity, good manners… and travelling to visit my dad
first in Budapest, and later in Bucharest. They divorced when I was three years
old. There were no fights, no drama… I guess they realized it was best for them
to part their ways. Later, they both met their soul-mates and at the same time
stayed friends. So, I can’t say I suffered from that situation. However, I
always used it to my advantage.
School was easy for me and I was bored by
it. So, I dodged it whenever I could. Just couldn’t see the reason why I should
sit at home and study when there were so many other fun things to do, see and
explore. Even so, whenever my mom asked me where do I see myself in the future I
always told her: ,,Don’t worry, I know I’ll be fine.’’ She raised me using
unusual methods… While my friends were lying to their parents I was treating
the matter differently. At first I was afraid of my mom so I wasn’t lying to
her and then I started questioning her authority, provoking huge fights and
building my persona through our difficult relationship. At times I was
convinced I hated her, I even blamed her for all the stupid choices I made.
Truth be told, she didn’t make it easy on us. Neither have I. We weren’t
friends and she was pressing her authority on me making me allergic to any kind
of authority later in life. I didn’t understand it at that time but she did me
a huge favor. She built an independent character. There is one more thing she
did, firstly for her and then for us, her children. After her first faculty she
enrolled into second and became a psychotherapist. Change was noticeable when I
came back from USA. Even the food she was making was different. I always had a
lot to learn from her but now, with this new perspective, she changed the curse
of our lives. Being a receptive (selective) sponge, cause that’s what I am, I
started learning and picking up everything from A to Z and then, again,
repeating the same pattern of behavior, used it to my advantage. Working my way
through Freud, Jung, and mind games, social games I started developing a new
way of life... However, something was missing in my equation.
The other parts of my personality developed
when I decided that I should learn from my father as well. In life, nothing
goes away until it teaches you what you need to know and it’s only up to you to
make it count. I guess I got tired of running and making up excuses. I opened
my eyes and looked very closely at my father. I saw a lot of him in me during
the years but never really wanted to face the facts. It was easier
to blame him. Repeated patterns of behavior still weren't doing me any favors.
So I stopped and I slapped myself really hard. WAKE UP! WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU
DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?! The beauty of having him as a father is that he lets me make mistakes and waits until I realize by myself that something needs to change. Yes! I was
harsh on myself. I lied, cheated and deceived myself by choosing destruction
over construction. I was afraid and it was easier to run. However, I realized
the wrongs of my doings and changed the main thing. It wasn't important anymore
who I am and where I come from, so I forgave and forgot; the only thing
that mattered is WHO I WANT TO BE AND WHERE DO I WANT TO GET!
Friends,
The only thing that matters is how well you
walk through fire (Bukowski). We all have a past but if we let it define us we
will stay stuck in reverse. Choose your destiny by carefully choosing a framework
of mind. If you believe you can do it, nothing can stop you. There is no one
who can feel it the way you do and you should be brave and protective of
yourself. Attention, not by closing yourself and building walls - you’ll feel
lonely, but by living and loving every bit of your life and people in it. You
should live your life in harmony with your thoughts and feelings. You should be
very aware that you are entirely responsible for your doings!
Be careful what you wish for. It comes true! Thoughts are the most powerful thing so use them wisely.
And if you wonder why the hell I just
spilled all my life on here, remember that I just don’t care. ;)
Have a great May! Until next time…
Yours truly,
Cuca